Sunny Daze in Suburban Hell (by Jefferson VanBilliard)
Article written by Jefferson VanBilliard
The word ‘suburbani’ was first coined by a Roman statesman and all around nice guy, Cicero in reference to a set of large villas and estates built by the wealthy patricians of Rome on the city’s outskirts. Which in today’s world would mean that any part of Orange County located south of the 55/405 interchange is basically as Suburbani as it gets. When I was younger, growing up along the washboard dirt roads of California’s High Desert I would watch classic television and movies that depicted suburbia as a literal paradise of neatly stacked houses with well trimmed lawns while mobs of children safely played in the somehow always freshly wet streets. It was a stark contrast to the lawlessness I experienced in the wild west that I called home which is why I never understood the term “the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.” Clearly for me, it was.
Now, as a virus looms over our heads and Americans are fighting each other at gas stations over a six inch cloth, staying home, firing up the air conditioner, and catching a cool buzz while we wait for all this to blow over is probably the sanest thing to do right now. Unfortunately I happen to live inside the equivalent of a sweat lodge with a couple dozen spider roommates that refuse to help with rent while constantly leaving their things lying around the corners of my room. Clearly it was time for this gringo to get outta Santa Ana and see how the 1% live in beautiful Coto de Caza!
The city that’s best known for its Real Housewives was actually built by a bunch of jerks from Chevron, yes that Chevron, and some other jerks that aren’t even important enough to name. Anyway, Those jerks ended up making the right investment because nowadays these “McMansions” sell for amounts that would make steam come out of your ears like a cartoon wolf that just saw an even hotter cartoon lady wolf. What this area lacks in morals and culture it certainly makes up for with…nothing. Sadly I can’t find a single thing positive to say about this place. Sure, the lawns are nice, but there’s no kids playing and there isn’t a taco truck or dispensary for miles. People that make movies are liars.
As I sat sulking in a luxurious infinity pool that overlooked the Cleveland National Forest I realized that I had been doing my ‘staycation’ all wrong. The effects of South Counties’ mediterranean climate began to take hold of me as I gathered up enough strength to ditch my floaty and head into my girlfriend’s well stocked kitchen for some experimenting. You see, last week I had been given an exclusive first look at Cannavis’ newest flavor, Tropical Punch and I had my mind set on using it to make a beverage so delicious a single sip of its THC soaked contents would turn my solo pool party into a Daytona Beach blowout complete with strippers and a DJ.
The first thing to do when scanning your pantry for items to include in your tropical tincture is to remember that less is more. Countless drinks with the potential for greatness have fallen flat because of this. To me a cocktail should be prepared like a well planned soup, with its base interacting in harmony with the other ingredients. Adding in too much citrus and you drown out your base, while not adding enough runs the risk of weighing down your cocktail leaving it muddy and far from the summer treat you were hoping for.
I settled on coconut water for my base, with the juice from one lime to add some acidity to the final product. Since I was always planning on blending my creative concoction before consuming, a scoop of watermelon sorbet seemed like the perfect ingredient to round out the rest of my cocktail. After adding 50mg of the passion fruit syrup and letting the blender pulse for half a minute my Polynesian potion was ready to make me forget all about the pain from realizing my childhood dream was dead.
I may have been born in the wrong decade to have experienced my dream of playing hide and seek with a neighborhood full of children but one thing is for sure, Cannavis’ Tropical Punch syrup is the best way to get an island vacation without leaving the tarmac at John Wayne Airport. Available in 100mg, 200mg, and 600mg bottles at any dispensary worth visiting. Visit Cannavis.com for a list of retailers near you.